


Where Do Pillars Lean When They Crack?

by khevzs



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: But needing a pillar for herself too, Centered on Nicole being the pillar of the team, Especially 307, F/F, F/M, Fanon, Gen, Headcanon, If you haven't seen season 3, Major Spoilers, Nicole Haught love the Earps, Nicole Haught visit Xavier Dolls, Selfless Love, This happens after 307, What Nicole MIGHT feel about Waverly not saying ILY back, What Nicole MIGHT feel about Wynonna not saying ILY back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 21:55:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15894894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khevzs/pseuds/khevzs
Summary: The Earp sisters find a steady pillar in Nicole. But where would Nicole find a solid foundation for herself?“How do you do it, Dolls? How do you keep standing up? How do you stay being the one everyone could lean on and not have to lean on someone else sometimes? ‘Coz I sure need someone to lean on right now.”





	Where Do Pillars Lean When They Crack?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a headcanon of what might happen by the end of 307. Personally, I just believe that it's impossible to be strong all the time. So let's dive into what might be Nicole's thoughts in those days when the weight of being strong takes a toll on her.
> 
> There also is a banner for this one-shot, made by my friend @trshamagsino on twitter. Check it out [here!](https://trishuuhhhhh.tumblr.com/post/178009608155/summary-the-earp-sisters-find-a-steady-pillar-in)

The headlights of the Police cruiser plated S3J-AOE flickers off the moment it turns down the road leading to the Earp’s Homestead. Nicole Haught squints in the darkness inside the car that only moments before was stolen by two frat boys with Councilwoman Bunny Loblaw still inside. It has been one hell of a day, now that she can look back. One bad luck right after another. Presently, she can still hear space and time in her head. It will be a one massive hangover in the morning, she’s sure.

Nicole lifts her foot off the accelerator just a little bit to adjust her speed. In the dark, she can’t be faster than 30mph or she may hit something, a wild animal or a tree, which Skip was vehement about coming right at him just around a year ago. At about that time, Nicole remembers, Dolls was also missing. They had just rescued him from the Black Badge offices and was then forced to live as a fugitive. She wonders, not for the first time, that what if they can make a wish to the Marzaniok again? What if she got a hold of it this time and not Wynonna? Would she be able to not wish Dolls back the same way Wynonna didn’t wish the Earp curse lifted when she had the chance?

Of that last one she isn’t sure. Because to her, Dolls was—still is—the kind of comrade Nicole will feel safe to have her back in a gunfight. He was the wingman she could have had. She can still remember the looks he threw her when Waverly was mentioned in their conversations. The stare he gave when she mentioned Champ’s truck during the hostage last year, the side-eye he gave at Shorty’s funeral right after. She could tell he was not immediately comfortable with her like the others hand been. Dolls was smart, he was cautious, and it takes an effort to be on his good side. But Nicole made it there, on his good side, and they were actually talking like real comrades before he went to be a hero and sacrificed his life to save her from the cliff—and the team from Bulshar’s right hand man.

So to answer the question that what if they found another Marzaniok, wouldn’t she wish Dolls back? There is a _huge_ chance that she would. Ten-years-later payment be damned. At least Dolls, and the team, would be there to help her fight the fight.

Reaching the part of the Homestead land where they buried Deputy Marshall Xavier Dolls, Nicole carefully kills the engine. She boards off the car and doesn’t bother closing the door. It will make a noise if she did, and she wanted to be as quiet as possible even if the house is still at least 1km away.

Taking careful steps not to disturb too much of the snow, for she didn’t want to leave a lot of trace too, Nicole walks over to where the tips of Dolls’ name marker is visible under the snow. Wynonna’s necklace is still visible, but the pendant is buried in the snow now.

“I can’t believe I’m sneaking here to talk to you.” She shakes her head and then shrugs. “Well, anyway, a LOT of shit has happened today.”

Nicole goes on to recap the day, as well as bring Dolls up to speed about what has happened since the last time she went here and gave him a report. She can chalk it up to habit, bringing Dolls up to speed, but deep inside she knows it is something more. Sneaking once in a while to his grave has been a habit she’s developed. She doesn’t want anyone else to know, because she wants it to be something _just_ between the two of them, the two comrades who could have but never had the chance to because a demon have taken it away from them.

The only one she let know of these visits is Waverly, because they are done keeping secrets from each other. Nicole told her that she visits Dolls every once in a while, but Waverly knows not to ask about why and what she is telling Dolls in these visits. Waverly respects that Nicole wants it to be something she and only Dolls share.

If held at gunpoint, Nicole would admit she misses Dolls, and at hindsight maybe Waverly did know this too. Even if she is only talking to thin, cold air, it is enough. She knows he’s somewhere out there listening, and she’ll feel okay after a while.

“…and I am now the Sheriff, but I still feel like my head is one Thanos-snap away from disintegrating.” A smirk grew on her lips then. “I won that drinking game though, and I didn’t even cheat!”

Nicole breathes deeply as her quiet voice dies with the wind. She keeps her hands inside her cargo pants pockets, away from the biting cold.

“I also told Wynonna that I _kinda_ love her.” She chuckles ruefully, eyes rolling. “What do you know, she didn’t even acknowledge it.”

“I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised, right? It’s Wynonna after all. She doesn’t do feelings, except for Waverly.” The snow is starting to wet her socks, but she doesn’t mind the cold. “But I’m still a little bit disappointed, I guess?”

Nicole falls quiet for a couple of seconds, eyes tracing a line to the moon peeking behind a bunch of dark clouds. She sighs as if she has been keeping that breath in for a while. Her eyes travel back to the tip of Dolls’ marker.

“How do you do it, Dolls? How do you keep standing _up_? How do you stay being the one everyone could lean on and not have to lean on someone else sometimes? ‘Coz I sure need someone to lean on right now.”

Okay, so it _is_ one of those days, Nicole will admit. Honestly, she never really minded being the pillar of the team. If anything, she actually is glad that that role fell on her shoulders when Dolls left, and even more grateful that it was Wynonna who acknowledged that. However, sometimes the role just takes a toll on her, and this is one of those days.

The team is so used to her being their pillar of support, being Waverly’s rock, that they never really thought anymore of it now. It just comes naturally to her to be there for them, and for them to find steadfastness in her. Especially now that the other solid man they knew is gone and all they have is Nicole. What they don’t know, though, is that she could _not_ be that pillar all the time. She has a limit to her strength too.

Don’t get her wrong, because Nicole would give _anything_ and _everything_ she has and could for this family that she found when she came back to Purgatory. They are the best thing that has ever happened to her life. She actually loves even the way that this weird family shows how much a member means to them. Behind jokes and quips and teases, there is an underlying love there and they all know it. They’d show up in literally a demon fight if one of them got caught in the middle of it.

It’s just that sometimes, she crave for something… _obvious_.

She wanted that love _told_ , _to her_ , _directly_.

Some days she needs to hear it said to her, or even said back. From Wynonna. From _Waverly_.

She appreciates all that Waverly does for her. She truly does. The special little things, the efforts, the thoughtful gifts, the being taken care of. Even just a simple look! However, some days she just _wants_ to _hear_ it.

But hell if she lets that stop her from putting her heart on her sleeves. At a young age, her parents had been distant from her, especially emotionally, so she knows what it feels like to not have love in the house while growing up. This found family is so important to her that it wouldn’t stop her even if they won’t say it straight. Nicole is going to say it, and say it loud, that she loves them—because she doesn’t want anyone else to feel what she felt when she was young. She wants people she loves to feel loved.

She knows too that to be gifted with great efforts by the woman she loves is already a blessing in itself and she’s already thankful for that so she never says anything. She comes here instead, put down all of her defenses in front of the man she trusts, and let herself be weak for a second. Or two.

A tear escaped down her cheek and she immediately wiped it off before the moon had a chance to glint against it.

“I’m sorry.” A chuckle-sob got stuck at the back of her throat. “I’m just so tired today.”

She takes a deep breath and gives herself a couple of minutes to recompose. Slowly, she put her armors back up, ready for another fight. Ready to be the Earps’ source of strength once again, and ready to take some strength from them too for her own battles. Bulshar is still out there. She has survived him once, she’d survive him again and this time kill him for good so he won’t break other families again. And this, this is the first family who would stand against him and successfully win, she swears on Dolls’ grave.

“Thanks for listening.” She runs her fingers over the tip of his marker, lingering for a second at the rough surface. Wynonna’s necklace glints at the moon and she lets out another deep breath. “Bye, Deputy Marshall.”

Nicole gave him a swift salute, prim and proper, one he deserves. And it doesn’t even matter that she’s now Sheriff.

Turning around, she retraces her footsteps that are already there. She doesn’t want Wynonna or Jeremy to know someone visited, and she’s pretty sure the tracks would be covered by new snow falls by the morning so that should be good. She just wants to go home now. Home, not to the Homestead, but _to Waverly_.

Still in the dark, she pulls the car around and goes back the way she came in. By the bend that turns to the Homestead, she turns her headlights back on and accelerates to her normal speed. It usually announces her arrival to anyone in the house, and Waverly usually is already at the door by the time she’s at the porch. This time, however, no one welcomed her arrival, which is very unusual. The house is till, too, and Nicole’s senses heighten.

Carefully putting her back to the door, a hand to her holster and the other at the knob, she takes one steadying breath. At her exhale, she flips the door open, ready to attack if an intruder is inside. Instead, all she finds is Waverly asleep on Wynonna’s lap on the couch. The fire is crackling and the older Earp is stoic, staring at the fire.

“Wynonna, what happened?” Relaxing, she closes the door behind her and puts the safety strap back on her gun. Her eyes immediately search Waverly’s face, and she can tell her love had been crying. Wynonna’s pant leg where she is lying on is still wet. Tear marks are also visible on Wynonna’s cheeks, her eyes empty, and Nicole immediately came to sit on the arm of the sofa that is closest to Wynonna.

“She left _again_.”

 _Michelle,_ Nicole immediately knows. The house is just _too empty_ now without her. Wynonna’s voice is an empty hollow, but Nicole’s hairs stand up on ends with the force of the last word.

“And Doc is not coming here anymore.”

If cold rage is a sound, Nicole is pretty sure that’s what it would sound like.

Her protective instinct comes with such a force that she wraps Wynonna’s head to her chest, her other hand on Waverly’s hair. So it is that time again—the time for her to be the solid ground for these women. And she gladly will be it, even for the whole Purgatory, now that she’s Sheriff.

“I’m sorry.” Wynonna keeps staring at nothing, hard and closed off as a rusting hinge. “I’m still here, Earp. And I’m not going anywhere.”

The cracking words spit out of Wynonna’s gritting teeth.

“You better, Nicole Haught. _You better_.”

And then Wynonna let herself be held as she silently cried.

***

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> Say it, and say it loud. The people you love needs to know it, whether they say it back or not.


End file.
